07 MARCH Wednesday.
I think I am depressed. Or maybe I am just bored like they say in SKINS. But I am definitely sad and fallen. Every time I have a hope, and a feeling for love. I am hit with reality. Remember the one I liked for 3 months. I gave up. Met someone knew. Gotten second base, and we shared personal stuff. And eventually just doesn’t seem interested enough to bother to text or chat. Am I really someone without content? Once they know me they try their best to act like they never did? I gave up trying. I gave up hoping. I know maybe someday I will be charged with hope again. Now, I am this empty shell. Looking for something to fill my void and pun intended.
I haven’t been happy for this whole year up to now.
who am i kidding. 10 years 20 years down the road i would still find myself sitting alone in the middle of the by my bed, feeling how empty i am. I wonder who truly want me to be around. And i cant be selfish to say anything. But these feelings are real. people found other people who are more of a delight to be around
the problem is me, i just got no content. i tried and tried. I’m not saying I’m giving up. I’m 21 but i still feel the same crap when i was in me teen. maybe even crappier because i thought everything is gonna be different now. But its still the same.
I just got no where to express myself without being judge or anything. I dream of a dream so bright but I can’t do anything to achieve it. this is not about love life. this is about being socially wanted. acceptance and no more abandonment. currently i just don’t know where am i. to cry or not to cry? unlike previously, i know how to feel. I just wanted to give up on everything and start a new. right now, its not like that. I don’t know how to feel… i don’t know what to feel other than sadness. my wish is to be able to click well with people, there are many out there i tried but i just cant and i feel like shit. and for those whom i used to be able to and now everything just become a blur. im lost. i want to smile.. maybe that why i am laughing so hard over comedy right now. im weird.
i feel nothing when im alone.
for falling in love once in a blue moon and will never get it. i hate myself for not having a stronger bonds with my friend. I hate myself that i feel my friends dont treat me as close even though they know my secret and accepted it. I hate myself for feeling lonely and needy. I hate myself for thinking that i might die any moment and today could be my last. i hate myself to be depress and need anti-depressant from time to time to prevent myself from killing myself. I hate myself for not being stronger to be an individual. I hate myself for how i look how i am not perfect and how stupid my brain get. I hate myself for crying right now. I hate that i feel i got no one to talk to. i hate myself.